A Guide for Empowerment & Self-Assertion
October 25, 2024
Edited by: Brittany Stilwell, MS LPC
Are you constantly putting others' needs before your own, fearing disapproval or rejection if you say ‘no’? People-pleasing behaviors can take a toll on mental health, but understanding their root causes can be the first step toward lasting change. In this guide, we’ll explore the psychology behind people-pleasing and practical strategies to help you break free.
At its core, people-pleasing stems from a deep-seated need for approval and conflict avoidance by prioritizing others' needs and desires over one's own. That’s right… you heard us correctly.
This behavior can develop from various past experiences including painful social rejections, a desire for validation, or even the need to keep yourself safe.
People-pleasing is incredibly common, especially in women and it has large effects on your well-being and overall satisfaction with life.
Understanding the psychological background of people-pleasing and learning strategies to overcome it can lead to healthier relationships and a more authentic sense of self.
Key Takeaways |
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The Psychology Behind People-Pleasing
Key Takeaway
People-pleasing often arises from a fear of rejection and a profound need for acceptance or due to being raised in a physically or emotionally unsafe environment.
For many, the drive to please others is rooted in early life experiences where approval or access to basic needs were conditional or scarce.
· A common example of this are the children who grew up in a household where love and approval were only given when they achieved certain things, like good grades or performing chores perfectly. If they didn't meet these high expectations, they might have faced criticism, neglect, or emotional withdrawal from their caregivers.
People pleasing then becomes a coping mechanism to keep oneself safe and/or remain in the other person’s good graces. Unfortunately, this often comes at the expense of the individual’s personal needs and boundaries.
· For instance, someone in a workplace setting who constantly agrees to take on extra tasks, even when they’re already overwhelmed. They do this because they fear disappointing their boss or colleagues.
· This person may have learned that staying in others’ good graces helps them avoid conflict or criticism, so they continue to say "yes" to every request, even if it means working late or sacrificing personal time.
Societal and cultural factors can reinforce people-pleasing tendencies, particularly in environments that emphasize conformity and external validation.
· A common example of societal and cultural reinforcement of people-pleasing can be seen in the experience of many women in traditional or conservative communities where gender roles emphasize being nurturing, self-sacrificing, and agreeable.
· In such environments, women might feel pressure to always put others’ needs—like their family’s, partner’s, or even colleagues’—ahead of their own to be seen as "good" or "acceptable" according to societal expectations.
· Woman often feel compelled to take on the majority of household responsibilities & childcare, even when they already have a demanding job, because cultural norms have taught her that it's her role to care for the home and family.
· This pressure to conform to expectations can lead her to neglect her own career goals, mental health, or personal time, all in the pursuit of external validation and approval. The need to meet these culturally reinforced standards can make it difficult for her to prioritize her own needs or establish boundaries.
The Cleveland Clinic published an article on the fight-or-flight response which revealed that when faced with stress, our bodies trigger a cascade of physiological changes designed to prepare us for immediate action. This response is closely linked to people-pleasing behaviors.
In other words, individuals who frequently experience stress may find themselves automatically seeking approval and avoiding conflict as a way to reduce perceived threats and regain a sense of control.
Key Takeaway
This tendency to prioritize others' needs over their own can lead to increased anxiety and emotional exhaustion.
How to Recognize When You’re People-Pleasing
Like with any emotional issue, self-awareness is the first step towards overcoming excessive people-pleasing behavior. Common signs include:
· Consistently putting others' needs before your own
· Difficulty saying "no"
· Feeling anxious about disapproval
· Experiencing chronic stress, burnout, or resentment from trying to meet everyone’s expectations.
Key Takeaway
Reflect on situations where you may have sacrificed your own well-being for the sake of others, and consider how these patterns affect your overall satisfaction and self-worth.
Strategies to Reduce People-Pleasing
Key Takeaway
In order to reduce people-pleasing behavior, it requires self-awareness, self-assertion & skills in boundary setting.
Set Boundaries: Learn to establish and maintain clear boundaries to protect your time and energy. Practice assertive communication by expressing your needs and limits calmly and confidently.
“I have a conflict at that time. Could you offer another option?
“I’m uncomfortable with how this conversation has escalated, I would like to take a break and continue this at a later time.”
“I’m unavailable after 5pm, could you please provide some options within business hours?”
“I won’t have time to address this today, but I can get to it first thing next week.”
“I really need some time to recharge, could you handle these things while I get some rest?”
Develop Self-Awareness: Engage in self-reflection to understand the root causes of your people-pleasing behavior. Journaling or working with a therapist can help uncover underlying fears and beliefs driving these tendencies.
For in-person or virtual therapy in Texas, book an appointment now at The Mind Parlor
Practice Self-Compassion & Self-Empowerment: Replace self-criticism with self-compassion. Recognize that your worth is not dependent on others' approval and that it’s okay to prioritize your own needs and desires. Empower yourself to face your fears and encourage yourself towards healthy growth.
“I’m allowed to take care of my own needs, and my feelings are valid.”
“I deserve love and acceptance for who I am, I don’t have to be perfect.”
“I’m not obligated to give a reason; I can just say no.”
“I am being fair to others by being honest about how I feel.”
“This may be difficult, but I am capable, and I will survive.”
“I don’t deserve to be treated unkindly or with disrespect.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes; if you’re not learning, you’re not growing.”
“I am enough, and I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.”
Learn to Say No: Saying "no" can be challenging, but it is crucial for maintaining your well-being. Practice saying "no" in low-stakes situations to build confidence and resilience.
“I won’t be able to join this time, but I appreciate the invite!”
“Personally, I’m not comfortable with that, but I hope you find what you need.”
“Unfortunately, I have too many tasks on my plate currently, so I’m unable to add that to my obligations.”
“I don’t have the capacity for that right now, but thanks for considering me.”
Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect your boundaries and encourage your personal growth. Engaging in therapy can also provide valuable tools and insights for overcoming people-pleasing behaviors.
For in-person or virtual therapy in Texas, book an appointment now at The Mind Parlor
The Path to Authenticity
Overcoming people-pleasing tendencies involves a journey of self-discovery and self-assertion. By acknowledging these behaviors and implementing strategies to address them, you can move towards a more balanced and authentic way of relating to others.
Embracing your true self and setting healthy boundaries can lead to more fulfilling relationships and a greater sense of personal satisfaction. Remember, prioritizing your own needs is not only beneficial for you but also fosters more genuine and equitable connections with those around you.
Key Takeaway
Remember, if you’re authentic, you’re more likely to attract people who fit well into your world.
And then… you won’t have to work so hard.
Source: Cleveland Clinic. (2021, October 27). What happens to your body during the fight-or-flight response. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-happens-to-your-body-during-the-fight-or-flight-response
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